The past week has been a time of preparing myself to face some things I wish I would never have the reason to face. Last Wednesday my father and I decided to meet up in Ann Arbor and drive to Detroit to watch the Tigers game. We haven’t done anything in almost 5 years and I was nervous. The idea was to go to the Tiger’s game as two people who like baseball. I’m a huge believer in actively doing something with someone with someone to move through problems you might have.
This meeting however has been something I’ve feared for a long time. I think I’m good at taking risks, overcoming fears and doing what’s right but this was the biggest test I’ve had in a while. My redeeming hope that I might be able to make it through fine was the baseball game. If you follow baseball at all you will know the game never started on account of rain. If you were at the game you will know there was actually no rain.
During the “rain delay” before the game was cancelled.
So I drove 3 and a half hours to sit in a stadium with no game to watch, all my fears to face, and my dad sitting next to me for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime ago. We shared an armrest, both had Tiger’s shirts on, and had no idea what to say to each other.
My friend and I texted back and forth. I let her know what was going on. She said God works in funny ways… I wasn’t really feeling His divine sense of humor at the time.
After a half hour of sitting waiting to see if we would play the game I noticed my hands and legs were shaking. My anxiety was building and I felt exactly how I did so many times as I child. Like I often did back then I tried to rally my emotions, fight back and control myself but I failed miserably. It turns out I am quite out of practice.
My father has changed, I think, and I give him credit for this. He has had a hard road in life but he has moved on. I’ve prayed a long time for him to be happy and now that he is it is sometimes hard for me to look at. I credit the selfish parts of me, maybe the still hurting parts of me, for this.
I stuttered over the few words I said and felt completely out of control. This was exactly what I have been, and apparently still am, so afraid of. I felt 9 years old again struggling with everything, out of control, with no idea how to be fixed.
A day later I had a little clearer mind to think with and I’m guessing my friend is right about God. Not that He works in funny ways but He works. Maybe He works in frustratingly painful ways and times, but He still works.
That got me through to Sunday. I went to church and listened to a great sermon about fractured community and life and relationships.
After the service I went to the coffee shop before work, sitting in the same seat I am in right now, to do some writing. I stopped by facebook first and saw something which made me call a friend and find out what I was dreading. Another friend lost and this time in the most difficult way to think about so far. My friend Luke Vincent was murdered late Saturday night.
Luke and Mark
Luke and I met 16 or 17 years ago. I went to Cooper Elementary and he went to Starr Elementary. We were assigned pen-pals and wrote letters back and forth. I still have the baseball pin he made and sent to me back at home. We met in person on a field trip to meet our pen-pals and go to Plainwell Ice Cream. I remember being glad my pen-pal was a cool kid. The biggest thing we had in common was that we both liked sports. We ended up playing baseball together for a few years and by the time we were seniors in high school we were running the 100 and 200 in track. Most of the time Luke ran in the heat before me. The times we ran side by side he smoked me.
I can’t wrap my mind around the idea he’s gone let alone someone made the choice to end his life.
The last time I saw Luke was about 7 months ago at Mark’s funeral. Mark died after getting hit by a car on his motorcycle. Luke was still good friends with Mark played a song at the funeral. After the service it was lots of hugs and few words. I got to give Luke a hug and talk for a short bit.
My class is all too used to this feeling and we prepare for it again tomorrow. Luke is the 5th guy from our class to pass away. I can’t say we as a group of young people are used to this but the feeling of preparing to go to a visitation, to bury your young friend, and console each other is unfortunately a very familiar feeling.
So tomorrow is Luke’s visitation and Friday his funeral. We’re all left preparing ourselves to face something we wish we would not have to prepare for. I don’t want to wrap my mind around talking to Luke’s parents the same way I have Mark and Larry’s. I hate thinking about Drew and Meredith under these circumstances again. Mark and Luke were two of Drew’s best friends. Mark was Meredith’s boyfriend and Luke was there for her after he passed. They, like many others, have lost so much this year in the passing of these two friends.
I don’t know what to do or say. I love my friends and the people in my life.
In these bad times, out of control and begging to be fixed, I remember and am encouraged by the good which has been and will be. I am encouraged by my friends who do the same. We can still look up into the sky and out into the world and see it can be beautiful. It’ll be ok. Not every day will be the best day but there is a hope and a future for us as well as times in the past have been pretty great as well.
God works in and through frustratingly painful ways and times but He still works.
I AM PART 